Xavi: Pep, how are you? Everyone has come to see if you're OK.
Guardiola: I am not. Waves of pain began to shoot through my back as I attempted to carry all of our trophies at once. And now I am like this. Weep for me.
[The players weep]
Xavi: But how could this happen?! How could this happen to The Golden Pep? Why not Arsene Wenger?! The world is so cruel!
Guardiola: It is, Xavi. It is. I do not know why. It seems that my collection of vests and pocket squares could not protect me from physical pain forever.
Xavi: Well, we have all spent time coming up with remedies for your pain, Golden Pep. Leo, present yours first.
Messi: I made you a Lego back brace. And I drew a picture of us smiling on it so it will be extra strong.
Guardiola: Thank you, Leo. But this looks incredibly uncomfortable and was not featured in GQ magazine. I will not wear it.
Pique: I think you should just let it bleed.
Guardiola: The pain is on the inside, Gerard. It's not bleeding.
Pique: Well you should let it bleed. I'm bleeding right now and I feel great.
Villa: Don't listen to him, Golden Pep. Just grow a soul patch and you'll be fine.
Guardiola: It's not 1992 anymore, David. And I'm not Chris Cornell from the band Soundgarden. Plus, again, that style has not been featured in a recent issue of the GQ magazine. That's three strikes. Now take Messi downstairs and give him a coloring book.
Messi: Coloring books!
Puyol: Pep, I have a good idea.
Guardiola: If it involves growing my hair long and getting a perm, I'm not going to do it.
Guardiola: I appreciate all of your efforts, but only my own regenerative powers can bring me back to you. I never told you this, but my body has the ability to heal itself from a variety of illnesses, aches and paper cuts. And once that miraculous process is complete, I will return. I promise you.
Pedro: You're the best, Golden Pep.